Aging in Place with Wisdom and Grace
Well, it finally happened. I had my first fall. It was slow and small, but it was a fall.
As I walked swiftly up our neighborhood-forest-mountain road, I lost my balance and collapsed with my right elbow hitting the pavement to support me, resulting in pain, a little blood, and bruising. For years, I have been proud of never having fallen. Now, things feel different.
Over the years, I have been less empathic with elderly people, including my parents and grandparents, than I now see is needed. I have also been less compassionate with the elderly, including my friends, than I now see is responsible behavior. I regret not visiting an elderly friend when he went into assisted living. I am in awe of my daughter-in-law for her daily care of her elderly mother in their home. I admit that I have not been completely honest with myself about the inevitability of my own aging because of pride.
I have been taking care of some aging issues, such as cataract surgery so that I can see, but still have a lot of “floaters.” I wear hearing aids that help a lot, but my hearing is not perfect. My legs have some bulging veins, and I wear compression socks. My rapid, irregular heartbeat (atrial fibrillation) is controlled by medication most of the time, and I may get an ablation. My memory is pretty good, but there are lapses and gaps. Both my parents lived into their late eighties and my maternal grandmother into her mid nineties.
At eighty years and seven months, how do I care for this body-mind and for other elders in the hours and years ahead. For as long as possible, I would love to keep writing, being a social/climate activist, and caring for family members, neighbors, friends, nearby and far away, and the vulnerable. How will I know when it is time to let go of this incarnation? How can I honor my body-mind in deep gratitude for the gift of living this life? How can I help care for my precious wife as she ages?
Out of the thirty-four households in our Swannanoa, NC, neighborhood homeowners association, seven families have begun a conversation concerning aging in place. We asked ourselves five questions which we answered by email: What are your hopes and dreams for aging in place? What constraints or obstacles could block your hopes from being realized? What actions can you and others take to overcome those constraints and help realize your hopes? What are your questions and concerns? And, what do you think that our seven households and maybe others could do together?
Here are some of my responses as examples:
Hopes and dreams in aging: being healthy and happy; being with family, neighbors, and friends; caring for the vulnerable; writing; being a social/ecological activist; and letting go when it is time.
Possible constraints or obstacles: running out of money; becoming disabled physically or mentally; being unable to walk or drive; being unable to care for self or spouse; or being unable to arrange for healthcare, homecare, financial matters, etc..
Possible actions: doing and sharing research on aging in place; sharing contacts and services; helping each other.
Questions and concerns: how do we proceed? how do we make decisions? how do we share data and contacts? what skills do we each have to share? how do we find the best medical care because of Mission Hospital's decline? how do we prepare for future climate disasters?
What we could do together: we could share contacts for homecare, yard care, healthcare, and legal and accounting assistance; stay in contact and communication with each other; brainstorm, discuss, and plan together; celebrate together; care for the people and other living beings of Woodburn Place; care for Swannanoa, etc.; share our skills and creativity with each other.
We are scheduling our first in-person gathering this coming week or the next. We plan to meet in a neighbor’s front yard in a circle of lawn chairs near a redbud tree. We will share our concerns and proposals face-to-face. A friend who is an aging expert in nearby Asheville has kindly volunteered to join us to ask and answer questions and to offer suggestions.
Many of us are wondering how long we can age in place, and what we need to do in order to do that. Some of us are wondering if we need to downsize first, or when we will know that it is best to move into an institutional senior care community or facility.
One useful resource we are studying is the Village to Village Network, a membership-based organization that brings Villages together to share best practices for enabling older adults to live independent, healthy, purposeful lives with connections to their communities. The Network provides expert guidance, resources and support to help communities establish and maintain thriving Villages, and champions the Village model at state and national levels as a best practice for healthy, vibrant aging.
Local Villages connect members to a wide array of practical support services and social connections that enable older adults to enjoy a rich, independent and healthy quality of life when they choose to age in their homes and communities. Villages build a sense of community and offer resources, services, programs and activities, including social and educational programs, health and wellness activities and volunteer assistance with transportation, light home maintenance, and technology coaching.
Two other helpful resources are the National Council on Aging and the Buncombe County aging in place guide.
I am also part of a group of elders who share a common history with the nonprofit Institute of Cultural Affairs (ICA) and are discussing in weekly Zoom meetings “a pathway forward” as social/ecological activists. Another elder ICA colleague is doing some amazing work on the Pacific coast of Mexico in the Litibu EcoVillage, one aspect of which is aging in place.
What are your thoughts? If you are elderly, what are some of your lessons, concerns, plans, or questions? If you have elderly parents or grandparents, what are you thinking needs to happen now or later? If you are young and believe that you will never get old, think again, think ahead, and care for your elders.
Of course, old age, sickness, and death are universal experiences of living beings. How can we embrace and care for each of these realities through a deep understanding of interbeing and impermanence and by taking compassionate actions for our body-mind and for all other beings?
Societal institutions and natural ecosystems also are impermanent and in continuous change. How do we care for a weakening democracy, an economy based on excessive extraction of limited resources, old cultural and religious understandings that are being challenged and transformed by science, globalization, and AI, and ecological degeneration and accelerating climate disasters?
May we each do what we can to help relieve ecological, societal, and individual suffering. I will keep on dreaming and writing about creating a compassionate, ecological civilization, community by community, moment by moment.
May all beings everywhere realize peace, happiness, understanding, and compassion.
And may my next fall be falling in love even more deeply with all beings everywhere.
May it be so.
From Bruce Williams:
"Hi Rob,
"I have just read your latest essay on Aging in Place in Wisdom and Grace.
"First of all, it appears you were not seriously hurt in the fall. I am grateful for that. It does appear that this brought you face-to-face with the mortality we all face.
"Secondly, Thank you for writing about what the seven families are doing. What I admire is how intentional you are. And, how you are bringing that intentionality to your neighbors.
"Your admirer from Chicago,
Bruce"
Thank you, Rob, for sharing your experience and wisdom on this important matter. As we age, we have to psychologically adjust to pursuing our goals and values with in the physical constraints. Our context - family, networks, life partner, financial stability, health - are different. We need to choose series of tools for our happiness, well-being and contribution to the community we live in. As an eighty one year old, I am blessed with many things. The most important are my life partner, my children and grand children. Beyond my own happiness, we want to be concerned more about the well-being of those who have been left behind in the society.